Day 9 :

What can Couples do about Sexual Difficulties?

Sexual difficulties when present are a bane to any marriage. Sometimes, the problem lies with either the husband or the wife, or both of them. This Day is designed to help couples who are experiencing problems with this aspect of their marriage identify the possible cause of the problem and give them practical guidelines to overcoming it.

Reasons Why a Husband May not Want Sex with his Wife

Believe me, it happens. It’s the general opinion that a man will usually want sex. But it’s not always the case. This could be caused by any number of reasons which may include physical, mental, or emotional factors. Let’s examine the possible causes and see what a wife can do in such situations.

Reason 1 - Wife’s physical appearance

Most women know about this one. We hear it constantly from our family, friends, and the media. You have to look good to keep your man. A lot of women are concerned that the Doncha-wish-your-girlfriend-was-hot-like-me syndrome will steal their husbands away so a good number of wives don’t fall foul of this reason.

But it still happens. Some wives forget to be wives and think and look like mothers. They always dress for comfort and convenience. They’re not necessarily conscious about how much weight they’re putting on or their general appearance. One thing I’ve noticed with men, they may not like it, but they’ll only mention it to their wives a couple of times that they would like them to lose weight. Remember, most men aren’t great talkers like women. So sometimes the women don’t take those occasional remarks seriously, but they ought to. The average man doesn’t want to be married to someone who reminds him of his mother. Someone said that when a woman gets married she’s thinking, “I’m going to change him” But when a man gets married, he’s hoping his wife never changes. He advised them, “Take pictures!”

My friend told me a story about a couple whose situation illustrates this quite well. His wife called a family friend because her husband had been missing for several days. She had spoken to him as he came back from work and he said he would pop down to the shop to pick up some groceries. He had called her to find out what she wanted him to buy. That was the last she’d heard from him and several days had passed.

She called his family both in the UK and abroad. Then she began to call all of his friend’s. About a couple of weeks later, my friend’s husband saw him at a petrol station with an attractive young woman. He approached them and was introduced to the girl with him. To cut the story short, it turned out that when he got to the shop, he saw this attractive girl in jeans and he just began to follow her around the shop. To use the words he told his friend about how she looked in her jeans, “It was pleasing to the eye.” He had previously remarked to his wife a few times that he would like her to lose some weight and take more care with her appearance. Apparently she hadn’t taken him seriously and felt she already “had” him so why bother.

He eventually went back to his wife after much persuasion from family and friends and for the sake of his kids. I don’t need to tell you that many of the wives who knew them personally began to take better care with their own appearance because they didn’t want the same thing to happen to them.

Now, this illustration is not an approval of his action but an observation. However, this can happen with some couples and its no use hiding your head in the sand about it.

Reasons Why a Wife May not Want Sex with her Husband

There are many different reasons why a woman wouldn’t want to have sex with her husband. It is more common to expect a wife to feel this way than a husband. What are some of the reasons and what can a husband do if he finds himself in such a dilemma?

Reason 1 - Feelings of resentment

Someone said that a woman’s biggest sexual organ is her ….wait for it….brain. Oh, she does have erogenous areas, lots of them. But the most effective way to trigger them is first of all through her emotions. If her emotions are involved, then her body would respond.

That “headache” that your wife always seems to have or the moodiness could just be symptoms of her feelings of resentment against you or somebody else.

If a woman has feelings of resentment and bitterness against her husband, she’s less likely to want to make love with him. That’s not to say she can’t or won’t, but she’s less likely to seek out her husband’s attention or respond warmly to it. If a husband thinks that his wife has feelings of resentment against him which might be affecting their love life, then he needs to talk to his wife and find out what the source of the resentment is. Ask her to forgive him if he’s done something wrong, or find out who she might be offended against. All in all they both need to engage in constructive dialogue to move their relationship forward.