Day 7 : How can Couples Restore a Marriage in Crisis?

I remember a wife who found out that her husband was cheating on her. Her response to the news was to go to his place of work to thoroughly disgrace him by having a full-blown argument. I know of another wife that smashed all the windows of her husband’s expensive new car when she found that his extramarital girlfriend was pregnant and was going to keep the child.

Another couple had to come to us for counselling because the man took a belt to his fiancée when she had words with another lady. He took his belt to her and got a lot more than he bargained for when she turned her teeth on him and smashed all his electrical appliances. Hey, I’m not trying to give any of you creative ideas; I’m just giving examples of various conflicts.

These stories show extreme reaction to a spouse’s misdemeanour or act of unfaithfulness. They show strong passion and determination. The only thing they don’t show is the intelligence or wisdom to find a suitable resolution to the conflict. Their actions merely fanned the flames of conflict. The key question to ask yourself when facing a conflict whether minor or major is,

“Do I want to resolve the issue, or do I just want to punish my spouse?”

Conflicts will always arise in any relationship and they can be caused by external or internal influences. External influences could be things like cultural antagonism to the marriage, in-laws, finances, etc. An internal conflict is one that originates between the couple due to misunderstanding, infidelity, or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Another form of internal conflict may exist where one of the parties may harbour some anger, resentment, unhappiness, or discontentment.

No matter what the source of the conflict, external or internal, or the nature of the conflict, it can still be resolved if some practical steps are taken. When major conflict arises in a relationship, the first thing each spouse should ask themselves, “Do I want to resolve this conflict so that this relationship can continue, or do I want to make them suffer for what they’ve done?” This should be the first question you ask yourself before you take any step. Before you open your mouth, before you react, ask yourself this question first. The answer to this question will help you know the next step to take. For some people they’ve already gone beyond this point. They’ve already responded out of anger or bitterness and are now seeking a way of resolution. For couples in that situation, read on, there’s still hope.

If you think that your spouse’s actions are so grave that you want to end the relationship, you need to first consider the inevitable consequences of ending it. The most damaging effects are on our children and finances. No matter how we may try to ignore this fact in the prevalence of marriage breakdowns, divorce does have an extremely adverse emotional and psychological effect on the children. Nevertheless, there are some circumstances for which the break up of a marriage may be beneficial for children like in the case of domestic violence or mental unbalance. Apart from such things, couples should try to work it out before dissolving the marriage. Most of the time, divorce is sought without any attempt made to seek counselling.