Day 4 :

What are Your Spouses 6 Basic Needs?

Sometimes we can begin to feel dissatisfied in our marriage, but can’t really put a finger on what’s wrong. This Day is designed to help you identify the basic needs of your spouse so that you can ensure that you’re not neglecting their needs. If their needs are being met, they’re less likely to be looking for satisfaction elsewhere.

A need is something you can’t do without. It’s necessary to your wellbeing. If you don’t know what your spouses needs are how can you fulfil them?

Need 1 – Significance

Significance is the quality of being important. I may not be the most beautiful, talented, famous or richest woman in the world. I may not have the highest IQ or be the most creative, but I very much want to be important to a few people in this life. I believe that one of those people should be my husband. My co-workers or my neighbours may not think very much of me, but I need for my husband to think much about me and show it in words and actions.

Some times the problem isn’t that we don’t think our husbands or wives are important to us, the problem is that we don’t show it. Don’t assume that they should know. I have a colleague at work that’s crazy about Westham football club. He talks about the club constantly, he sings their songs, and he spends money on their merchandise. It’s obvious to anyone who sits near him which club he supports. That club is important to him and it shows. The truth is, the things you talk about and spend your time on are the things that are really important to you. So your spouse needs to be shown how important they are to you by word, touch, and action.

Practical ways of showing how significant they are to you don’t need to be expensive. A thoughtful email here, a text there may be all you need to do.

Need 2 – Affection

Affection is a basic human need. Affection is the feeling as well as the demonstration of that feeling. The demonstration of affection between a husband and a wife creates an emotional bond between them. Sometimes you see couples snuggling in public. On the train, at the cinema, or even by the bus stop. That’s nice; they’re demonstrating their affection of each other. But I think that even more than the public display of affection (which occurs mostly with new couples), are the private expressions of affection.

Men and women may demonstrate affection differently. Any two different women may not have the same way of showing their affection towards the ones they love. A wife may express her affection by hugging, kissing, and speaking words of endearment and so on. Her husband on the other hand may not do any of these as readily as his wife, but it doesn’t mean that he isn’t affectionate towards her.

This may surprise you, but you don’t have to “feel” something to express your affection. You can greatly enhance your marriage if you learn not to wait for how you FEEL about something before doing it. Let me share something with you that has helped my marriage a great deal. It’s the act of making quality choices or decisions. I made up my mind that I would tell my husband that I loved him everyday. I don’t have to feel a “spurt” of love in order to do so. I know that I love him whether I feel like it or not and so I let him know this because I know it’s important for him to hear it.

During my couple’s enrichment classes, most of the men said “No” when asked if they told their wives they love them everyday. Their reasoning was that their wives should know so it’s unnecessary for them to be told everyday. This is one of the reasons couples (especially wives) become unhappy in marriage. I know of a woman who started an affair with another man because her husband was never around and even when he was didn’t show her any affection. She said that thinking back she probably wouldn’t have fallen into the arms of the other man, if she hadn’t been so hungry for affection. But she had an affair and hurt her marriage in the process.

A secret I’ve discovered is that the verbal expression of love strengthens the feeling of love. That’s because the more you say something, the more you think about it and feel it. It’s the same way angry feelings work. The more you talk about something that makes you angry, the angrier you get. This works for positive emotions as well as negative. So if you speak about your love, you will feel it more strongly. And the more your spouse hears it, the more they will be able to respond to it. The expression of love produces a love response.