Marriage Question - Desperate Husband, USA

We are in couples therapy with 6 sessions completed and my wife is now
seeing a trauma therapist to deal with her past. However, she said why
are they tying to put us back together, we grown so far apart, I don't
even like you. She said some other things and after a few days I sent
her an email with some articles on PTSD and displaced aggression. In the email I told her I remember some of her behaviors during this time and she needed to reflect what could be done differently. She got mad and asked we separate. I have been out of the house for a week.

During this time we did almost nothing alone. My free time was spent
with family time. I don't now if it was the PTSD or what, m wife never
planned a date or pulled me aside to talk about what my job was doing to the family. She does work part-time, likes to shop and my kid is in
private school so our expenses are high.

There are a lot of issues to address with your wife and yourself and I'm
glad that you're both seeing therapists with regards to them. My first
impressions though are that both of you are only thinking about how they can bring both of you back together, and I think that's where part of the problem is.
You both should also think about changes that both of you have to make
as well as everything else that is being done.

From what you described, it seems that both of you were living in the
same house, but as 2 separate people, not as one which is another issue. I will try to
address some of these issues as I go along. Please remember as you read that I'm not casting bBlame or belittling your efforts so far, but trying to identify why some
of these things happened, and hopefully proffer a solution.

But I've been counseling people for a long time so I will tell you my perceptions
based on what you've said. From what I can see, she's linked your
behavior when you had the outburst to what her father used to do. She
hasn't forgiven her father for what he did and so the bitterness of how
she feels has spread to you because your behavior triggered a PTSD
episode. There are 2 sides to this.

On her part, she needs to forgive
her father and forgive you. (Forgiveness from us is needed when people
hurt us or make us angry intentionally or intentionally, irrespective of whether they were right or wrong). So for her, that's what she needs to do. However,
you're not responsible for her actions as you cant make her take any action, but
you are responsible for yours. So we're going to talk about what you need to do.

Let me tell you why she got angry when you sent her that email about
PTSD and displaced aggression. First of all, the mail communicated that
you didn't take any responsibility for what part you played in it (even though you didn't do it intentionally). You didn't talk about how the loneliness she felt at
those times you were never around may have affected her. (Actually, even a woman who hasn't had a traumatic childhood can get depressed from what she will
perceive as neglect from her husband).

Another reason why she got angry was that you seemed to be blaming her PTSD for the problems in your marriage and asking her to reflect on what she could have done
differently was putting the burden on her to change. A better way would
have been to email her and say that you understand why she had the
episode, apologize for the part you had in it, and talk about how you
would help her get through it.

It is a crucial rule of thumb that when we want someone to change, we
first start by changing ourselves. We need to first ask, "what can I do differently?" Since you've already identified what may have caused the problem - the difficult experiences you've had in your jobs, as well as the fact that you're not spending
any time alone together - then you can move forward towards identifying what changes you should make.

Before I tell you what else you can do, let me tell you about why both of you are going through a difficult time right now:

1 - You both see yourselves as two separate people.

2 - You don't see yourselves as partners (partners provide support and help
each other to achieve a joint goal).

As a husband and wife, you're supposed to take responsibility for your
wife (not just financially) and your wife is supposed to take responsibility for you.
See those quotations below...

"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own
bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever
hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does
the church." Ephesians 5:28

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than
rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of
value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."
Proverbs 31:10-12

There's more that I could say, but I want to point out that you both
need to relate with each other as partners.

Now what can you do right now to resolve this latest event that's taken
you out of the house? This is what I would suggest: Write her a letter (not
an email). Take time with it and get it right before you send it.

Before you start writing, remember why you married her in the first
place. Why did you marry her? She may have changed over the years and not
necessarily for the better,but so have you. Remember that woman you
married 13 years ago and remember the commitment that you made to her then. Tell her that you're sorry about what she went through as a child (this way, you're beginning to share her burden with her).

Also apologize for the loneliness she may have experienced because of the pressures of your job. She already knows about the anxiety and stress that the therapist diagnosed you with, but tell her that you didn't mean to hurt her when you had those outbursts and that you would never hurt your child (your yelling at your son
triggered that fear). Finally, apologize for the email you sent previously. I'm
getting you to apologize a lot aren't I? Remember, I said that you're
responsible first of all for changing yourself, not your wife.

Before you write this letter, you need to do something first. You need
to forgive your wife as well. I can tell that you're very angry with
her. You've been carrying the financial burden of the household, while
she only works part time and has expensive habits. So you do blame some
of the experiences you had at work on her. Maybe she never
appreciated that the reason why you were working so hard was because of
your family. I can understand that it hurts, And I can understand that
you also felt quite alone all those days at work and even at home
because you had to take your work with you and she didn't help you
relieve the stress or pressure. From the content of your email, you also
blame her for not planning a date, or pulling you aside to talk about
how your job was affecting your family. Am I saying that you shouldn't
blame her?, No. I'm saying that you feel hurt and angry at her
because of these things. Which means that you would also need to forgive
her for the hurt you feel. You can do it privately without her needing
to know at all.

When this present crisis is resolved, find sometime to go away together.
It doesn't have to be out of town (maybe a weekend break at a hotel).
But you need some alone time. Physical intimacy may or may not be
involved, it depends on how far you've come. But let it be a happy time.
You need to laugh together again and just talk (idle chatter, serious
talk). Get to know each other again. If the opportunity comes, talk
about yourself and let her talk about herself. Apart from this break,
you would also need to communicate more even if you're very busy at
work. Send her an email or text to find out how she's doing during the
day. Try to spend at least 30 minutes to one hour a day by yourselves.
Put the TV off (much better), or watch it together.


God bless you
Val